So honestly, I don't know anymore.

My life is beyond crazy at the moment.

Between, struggling to keep my grades above a C

and trying to keep myself from falling apart again,

I have no time left for maintaining my sanity.

 

Teachers  -- 

Seems like the more everyone in class is ready to wrap things up and get ready for summer,

the more the teachers want to force us to study and do 6 hours of homework. 

two words:   not kewl. =/

 

At Home --

Parents.

Enough said, right?

Yeah.

I try to do everything right,

say all the right things to them

hoping it'll get them to leave me alone,

even doing chores and any other random shit they want done,

but still, I'm not good enough.

I'm not the daughter they'd been hoping for.

I know that for the 15 years I've been alive,

they've secretly been hoping that I would eventually become this wonderfully amazing child

The one they'd always dreamed of.

Guess I'm just a huge disappointment.

I'll never be good enough for them.

I'm just hoping that one day I can just get over that

and try not to think about how I've disappointed everyone.

 

Friends --

Hmmm.. what is there to say?

well, okay, so recently, I've found out things about a few of my friends that i almost wish i didnt know.

Smoking.

Drinking.

Self-Piercing.

And god only knows what else.

I mean, yeah, it may not seem that bad,

but i just think of how long this could have been going on and kept as a secret from me.

can i trust these people?

I dont know. I guess.

And at the same time, I'm actually closer to my friends than I ever have been before.

 

It's Me Against The World [and the world is winning] --

That basically sums up the last week.

First the shit between me and Becca.

Yeah, I was having a HORRIBLE day.

i took it out on her by saying "fucking fantastic" when she was going on and on about how happy she was.

yeah, i probably shouldnt have,

but havent we ALL done that before??

yeah. we have.

but instead of her just saying "well, somebody is bitchy today. . ."

and being done with it,

she goes on to say that Chris deserves better than me [true, but not her place to say that]

then she says some more shit like that.

the next day ends up being pretty much the same.

then yesterday (Day 3) I end up saying she's fake [it's true]

she gets her [asshole] of a boyfriend involved.

(yeah, dnt lie to me bitch, i know you went whineing to him and made him "fix it")

so i get a message from him saying "becca's fake"

(pssst.. yeah she is) but instead i say " let het bitch fight her own battles, this has nothing to do with you"

it should have ended there.

it didnt

he goes on to say "why cnat you ether dump Chris and get outta our lives or kill your self and get outta our lives either way everyone will be happy"

(basically the convo goes like this, blue is him, the other is me)

 

why cnat you ether dump Chris and get outta our lives or kill your self and get outta our lives either way everyone will be happy

umm.. no, sry, it dnt exactly work like that. :/

darn

why do you grasp to fals hope of ing happy with him?

being*

your just fooling yourself and slowly killing him

. . . well, 1- your wrong, & 2- is this supposed to make me feel terrible or sumthin? not working. maybe if it was coming from anyone else, but coming from u, it means nothing. :/

it doesnt?

how many times have you seen him in person

why do you care? mind your own fucking business

no Chris is like my best friend

and he has turned against me cuz your making his life misreble

i know, how can i be his best friend and trign to break hime and his gf up?

he cant see what best for him

hes only gonna get worse

it wont be the same person ever again if this keeps up

well, sry, but it's not up to you.

i know

its up to you and your killing

him

w/e

not my life or bf

hes gnna be diffrent forever

and cant you understand that you can never be with him?

your so far away and only met him once...

it dosent work

i've tried it before

and i almost ended up killing myself

is that what you want for him or you?

you cant say fer sure that is what would happen. you dont know. mmk. not everyone is like you. :/

its doomed to fail

and Chis is soo much like i se to be its not funny

 

And thats where it ended.

Yeah, what i was saying was pathetic, I know.

But if you've ever been put in a situation where you have someone like this asshole sayin shit,

a crazy fake delusional bitch saying shit,

both of your parents goin at you,

and you're trying to keep yourself from crying,

you'd understand that it's damn near impossible to come up with any convincing things to say.

and thats what sucks.

 

but it's kewl.

I dont need people like that in my life.

 

 

So yeah, I guess thats all I gotz to say =/

 

i  Chris

It looks like a tornado has gone through my room. So I'm cleaning. So much fun. This has basically been an ^{ALL WEEKEND EVENT} (& by all weekend i mean everyday of this _{FOUR DAY WEEKEND} I've been cleaning my room)

 

I've gone through my clothes and got rid of over half of all that shit I've had since ^{FIFTH GRADE!!!} I went through my old papers and got rid of almost all of that shit. And sadly I still have only cleaned about _{A FOURTH} of my room. I still have ^{THREE FOURTHS} to clean today!!

 

It looks like I haven't cleaned my room for about _{SIX OR SEVEN YEARS} It is disgusting. I'm beginning to think this is gonna be more like an ^{ALL MONTH EVENT}

Do you know how it feels to have your heart ripped out, put through a paper shredder, and have pretty much no one even notice because they are so caught up in their wonderful lives?

 

Do you have any idea how bad it hurts?

 

Do you know how it feels to have the ONLY PERSON YOU HAVE EVER REALLYY CARED ABOUT be 40/50-ish miles away and know that you may not be able to see them for AT LEAST TWO YEARS?!

 

Do you know how it feels to have all your dreams shattered with one sentence? Everything you've ever hoped and prayed for taken away from you before you even had a chance.

 

I'm sure there are a few people out there that know how I feel, but I doubt that anyone I will ever talk to could understand how bad this hurts.

 

All because of one mistake, one amazing night gone horribly wrong, and an overprotective controlling mother, I most likely won't be able to see the MOST COMPLETELY AMAZING PERSON IN THE WHOLE WORLD again until I'm _{AT LEAST} 17.

 

I'm 15. So what? You think that just because I'm 15 I can't possibly ACTUALLY LOVE him??? Well, you're wrong. I know how I feel. I love him and NOTHING ANYONE SAYS IS EVER GOING TO CHANGE THAT.

 

And ... I'd end up pregnant??? Are you serious? That is so stupid. "Guys that age only want one thing." BULLSHIT! That is definately not true. Ugh I have soooo many ways to argue against that point, but a few of them would end up making me seem slightly slutty, so I'm just gonna leave it at that.

 

"People shouldn't date until they are at least 17." Okay, I'm sorry, we do not live in the '60s. There are 6th graders, 7th graders, 8th graders with boyfriends/girlfriends. Now, I guess I agree that that is a little young, but 15 and 16 year olds should be old enough and mature enough to handle it. It's just really stupid. My mom treats me like I'm in 6th grade or something.

 

My mom obviously doesn't know what she's talking about. If she honestly thinks that I don't really love him, she obviously doesn't pay attention at all. But the thing is, I think she does know that I really love him, It just scares her. Typical mother. Just, she is overprotective and very controlling, so since it scares her, she does everything she can to destroy it.

 

She has even said she would go so far as to call the cops on me if i tried to leave town and go see him. She says that whoever takes me will have the cops called on them for "kidnaping" me. Typical psycho.

 

So hopefully I'm not the only one that thinks my mom has gone beyond the typical mother being protective and went straight to this horrible i-am-going-to-destroy-everything-good-in-your-life mother. I absolutely HATEE it. I would do ANYTHING to get out of this house. Out of this town. Away from this life I thought i knew. Away from all these people with their fake emotions, their fake personalities, their i-am-always-happy-nothing-bad-has-ever-happened-to-me fake attitudes. It's sickening. People here aren't worth staying for. I hate everything baout this town. And I'm afraid that if I don't get out of here soon, I'll end up being sucked in and stuck here for the rest of my life.

1. Hot or nice? nice

2. What size shoe do you wear? 9-10

3. Do you have a soul? possibly

4. How do you usually dress? idk =\

5. Sunrise or sunset? sunset

6. What's your favorite song? too many to list

7. Have you dated anyone you met online? maybeeeeeee

8. What is your favorite male name? idk

9. Have you ever cried yourself to sleep? all the time

10. Have you ever sworn? duhhh

11. Magazines or books? depends

12. Dominos or Pizza Hut? dont matter

13. Right handed? Left handed? Both? right handed

14. What is one bet you've won? none

15. Have you ever had a crush on more than one person at the same time? sure

16. Name one person you love, and why: Chris; he's sooo completely beyond amazing

17. Watching or playing sports? ewww.. sports suck

18. Would you give me $5? no

19. Do you believe in love? yes

20. Do you hold grudges? sometimes

21. What is your favorite flavor in general? idk

22. Have you ever beat someone up? no

23. TV or movie? movie

24. Have you ever been on a road trip? no

25. What is your screen name? idk..... =\

26. What do you think of reality TV? not real but still amusing at times

27. Bagels or chicken? depends

28. Have you ever performed on stage? no

29. Have you ever told someone that you loved them? yes

30. Who is the most unique person you know, and why? idk

31. When you wake up, what is the first thing you think? ughhhh.. gawd. nooooooooooooooo.. more sleep (then i roll over & go back to sleep)

32. Do you own a car? no

33. Do you wear makeup? sometimes

34. What is your favorite sport? none

35. Would you drop out of school or quit your job? i would be murdered if i dropped out of school. =\

36. Have you ever been hit on by the same sex? yes

37. Would you flip off the pope? haha; sure; why not =\

38. What is your favorite word? idk;

39. What do you wear to bed? clothes; or no clothes; whatever =\

40. Do you believe in soul mates? sure

41. Have you ever cut yourself? not on purpose

42. Do you feel sad often? yeah

43. Do you believe in God? no

44. What would you NEVER change about the past? i wouldnt change anything about the past.

45. Have you ever gone to a mall? duhh

46. Are your parents still together? yep

47. What is something you know that most people don't? idk

48. Do you want to have kids? sure; why not

49. Collar popped or normal? o. m. g. wowwwz.

50. Hot or cold? watevr

51. Tan or pale? wat?

52. Last time you saw your mom? last night

53. What is your hair color? drk brwn

54. Favorite day of the week? watevr

55. Would you have plastic surgery? no

56. Have you ever fallen in love with a neighbor? no

57. Are you afraid of the dark? kinda

58. Do you love someone? yes

59. Have you ever been high... on life? yes

60. Have you ever trusted in Jesus Christ as your savior? no

61. What if you had three wishes - what would you wish for? to see chris

62. What grade are you in? 10th

63. Last kiss? none

64. What is/was your favorite subject in school? child/ human development

65. Do you get annoyed easily? yes

66. Who is your oldest friend? How long have you known them? Brandyyyyy; 10-11 years

67. One goal you'd like to achieve this year: idk

68. What is your biggest fear? too many to list

69. Have you ever prank called someone? no

70. Best body type? idk

71. Do you know how to drive a car? watevr

72. What do you label yourself as? labels are stupid.

73. Favorite type of sock? watevr

74. When do you go to bed? whenevr i feel like it

75. What is the longest you have gone without sleeping? 3-4 days

76. Ever run away from home? want to

77. Why do you like the music you do? cuz i do

78. Can you cross your eyes? yes

79. What's the sickest you've ever been? idk

80. Who is the most controversial person you know? idk

81. Do you celebrate Hannukah? no

82. Are you rude? sometimes

83. Do you have your own computer? kinda

84. The phrase you overuse most on IM: yeahh.. & idk.

85. Do you like working with people? sure

86. Have you ever had your heart broken? sure

87. Do you ever cook? yess =]

88. Have you ever gotten your tongue frozen to something? kinda

89. Do you like cows? no; i'm scared of cows.

90. Who can trust you? idk;

91. Have you ever walked more than a mile? yes

92. Long or short hair? huh?

93. Abercrombie or Hollister? eww

94. Who do you talk to most on IM? sara; ashli; chris;

95. Can you write with both hands? yeah; but it's barely legible when i write with my left hand =\

96. Have you ever yelled at a telemarketer? no, but i would if my parents would ever let me talk to one.

97. Have you ever failed a grade? Why? i've failed a class, but not a grade. =\

98. Have you ever missed a meal because you were busy on myspace? no

99. Hug or kiss? watevr

100. Do you like yourself? at times

101. Have you ever been high? no

102. Do you believe in the external world? huh?

103. Pain or no gain? whatevr

104. What is your favorite number? 41507

105. Emotional or physical pain? physical pain

106. Have you ever prayed to Bhudda? no

107. What is the last thing you said to someone? idk

108. Have you ever skipped school? kinda

109. Do you like poetry? yes

110. Grandma or grandpa? ok

111. Do you like thunderstorms? yes

112. Group or single dates? watevr

113. Have you ever slept on a rooftop? want to

114. Have you ever been home schooled? no

115. What's the longest car ride/road trip you've been on? from here to the other side of Missouri. =\

116. Do you believe in miracles? sure

117. Who is your enemy? too many to list

118. Do you brush and floss? sure

119. Have you ever been asked for an autograph? haha; acutally. yeah =\

120. Do you drink alcohol? no

121. Last phone call? yepp

122. Have you ever bought a car? no

123. What sports do you play? none

124. Have you ever snuck anyone into your house? no

125. Would you set yourself on fire? idk

126. What is your favorite sport to watch? none

127. Do you smoke? no

128. Have you ever peed your pants after age 8? idk; i've prolly laughed so hard i peed my pants after i was 8 so yeah; prolly

129. Gym or music? huh?

130. Your first crush: Eddie

131. Would you eat human flesh for money? ewwww. no.

132. Have you ever shoplifted? no

133. When is your birthday? July 30th

134. Who is the skinniest person you know? idk

135. Who is your favorite person? idk

136. If you could go to one place right now, it would be: Carlinville

137. Have you ever been on a plane? no

138. Sneakers or flip-flops? flip-flops

139. What are you wearing right now? clothes

140. Have you ever been suspended from school? no

141. Where do you live? middle of nowhere;

142. Have you ever been on a cruise? no

143. Have you ever pulled an all-nighter? sure

144. Cars or planes? idk

145. Would you be my friend? i dont know you at all so no

146. When is the last time you went to a gym? never

147. What is your biggest weakness? too many to list

148. Favorite food? i loveeeeeee almost all food

149. What do you do most when you're bored? stuff

150. Do you like seafood? no

151. Who did you last talk to? Chris

152. Do you believe in hell? watevr

153. New York or California? California

154. Is there happiness in slavery? no

155. What was your New Year's resolution? none

156. Would you eat sushi? no

157. Where is your favorite place to go on vacation? watevr

158. What's your family like? horrible

159. What are your thoughts about life? watevr

160. Would you go rock climbing? sure

161. Tastes great, or less filling? huh?

162. Do you ever use your full name? occasionally

163. Mom or Dad? . . .

164. Logic or art? watevr

165. Sprite or 7Up? whatever

166. Last time you spent $100, and what for? idk

167. Would you chug beer? no

168. Would you try to take over the world? sure

169. Would you smoke? no

170. Dogs or cats? either

171. Do you have a crush right now? sure

172. Do you like arcades? watevr

173. Have you ever gone to a public school? duhhh

174. Fridays or Ruby Tuesdays? watevr

175. Yahoo or Google? google

176. Explain your political beliefs. . . .

177. Have you ever been to a beach? no

178. Who is the funniest person you know? idk

179. Do you wear perfume? sometimes

180. Boxers or briefs? watevr

181. For a girl: short or long hair? watevr

182. Do you believe that animals have souls? sure

183. Do you wear glasses? no

184. Last hug? idk

185. Best April Fool's joke ever? idk

186. Have you been on drugs? . . .

187. Cell phone, land line, or talking with a mic on the computer? land line

188. Land or water? either

189. Where did you go to school? Dow Elementary School, Illini, then JCHS

190. Do you like depressing music? yes

191. Who of your friends can tell anything to you? idk

192. Can you whistle? no

193. Would you lie to your best friend? no

194. Do you like the band The Arcade Fire? nevr heard of it

195. Is it Pet's Mart or Pet Smart? who cares?

196. Do you drink soda? yes

197. Would you run from the police? maybe

198. Do you have a blog? yes

199. How many times a day do you go on myspace? pretty much never

200. Have you ever driven a Ferrari? no

10 songs that sum up your weekend...or were on your weekend playlist...and one picture that relates back. (oh, and if you feel like it, tell us why you picked the songs you did)

 

1. Who Am I -- Lily Frost
2. Paralyzed -- Finger Eleven
3. The Fight Song -- Marilyn Manson
4. I'm Missing You -- Bobby Tinsley
5. So Far Away -- Dire Straits
6. Slide -- Goo Goo Dolls
7. We Are So Last Year -- Hawthorne Heights
8. Livin' Our Love Song -- Jason Michael Carroll
9. Laughed Until We Cried -- Jason Aldean
10. The Distance -- Evan & Jaron

^1. Because ...

"Today, like any day
Rolled out of bed
Talked on the telephone
Went to the doctor, she said
You're ok
Still I wonder

Who am I"

... Basically the story of my life.. =\

 

^2.Because it is an amazing song. I've been listening to it all weekend. Great song to dance to. =]

 

^3. Because... "I'm not a slave to a god that doesn't exist, and I'm not a slave to a world that doesn't give a shit."

 

^4. Because I'm reallyy missing Chris. ='[

 

^5. yepp.

 

^6. great song.

 

^7. AMAZING song. i lovee it.

 

^8. i love this song.

 

^9. loveeee it.

 

^10. The Most Completely Amazing Song EVER!